I’ve had a lot of logistical issues with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles over the years. Here are a few of them:
So they’re four adult human sized turtles who fight crime. They got that way by rolling around in toxic waste as babies. These are characters intended to entertain children. So what’s to stop some kid from taking his pet turtle and rolling it around in some toxic waste that he finds lying around? One day your kid runs up to you, holding his turtle by the tail, his hand covered in green sludge, screaming, “Daddy! I’m going to make Tony into a Ninja Turtle!”
A week later, the kid’s got a flipper for the hand, and you’re on the hook for the turtle’s chemo.
How were they not disgusted by Splinter? Most Dads give you advice, give you money, give you love….their Dad could have given them the Plague. I bet they tried to kill him, at least once. Nobody can rest when there’s a normal-sized rat in the house, much less a giant one with a Japanese accent. Michelangelo and Raphael set up a box held up by a stick with a piece of cheese underneath it. “Master Splinter….is that a free hunk of gouda? Maybe you should check that out…you know, investigate…I know cheese is your thing. There you go, buddy. Nice and easy.”
There are plans for a live action Turtle movie in either ’09 or ’10, and they made an animated one last year. The problem is that the characters never change. They’re the same as they’ve always been. We need improvements. Luckily I’ve got some ideas of my own that I’ve been saving up over the years. Being a huge Turtle fan has allowed me to take copious notes on changes I would make:
*Ninjas are cliched. How about mixed-martial arts? I’d love to see Leonardo snap at a moment’s notice and pound in Bepop’s face.
* To make amends for past transgressions, I suggest a five minute scene of the Turtles viciously beating Vanilla Ice.
* It’s 2008. Man-sized, crime-fighting turtles could figure out a way to dress themselves. Give them a Don Johnson in Miami Vice type look.
*Krang and Baxter Stockman – let’s get them together. I don’t know why but they always seemed right for each other. You’d pay to watch a fly do a human brain, admit it.
Okay, maybe not.
* Replace Splinter with an adorable old Basset hound, because what kid wouldn’t prefer a puppy over a rat?
* The Casey Jones/April O’Neill romance is stale and leaves the characters nowhere to go. An April/Raph love connection would be a lot more intriguing. Plus, that always leaves the door open for them to produce half-breed turtle men.
* Michelangelo has been playing the stoner for years. How about we take advantage of marijuana’s status as a gateway drug and give Mikey a heroin addiction? It makes the character three-dimensional and a giant turtle going through withdrawal would be pretty fun to watch.
* Finally, bigger name actors as the Turtles. Let’s go with Clooney for Leonardo, Mark Wahlberg doing a toned down Dignam as Raph, Ed Norton as Donatello, and Owen Wilson as Mikey. It would work. Search your feelings; you know this to be true.