This is Larry King

I’m introducing a new feature called This is Larry King. It’s basically just a rip-off of Larry King’s old USA Today columns, where he would post random thoughts that apparently had just popped into his head. It’s also an excuse to post pictures of that old monstrosity. Look at him. He looks like a mummified Bunson Honeydew.

* If I ever star in a 70’s-era cop show, I want the music over the opening credits to be Jay-Z’s American Gangster. Listen and tell me it doesn’t make you want to chase a drug dealer down the streets of San Francisco while having a ‘fro.

* Wait…is that Larry King or a retarded baby bird?

* On Sunday, ESPN’s Tom Jackson said that “all Jeff Garcia does is win football games.” What about eating? Drinking? Going to the movies? I guess Tom Jackson thinks Jeff Garcia goes through life trying to win a football game at all times, creating makeshift opportunities for football games during different scenarios of life. Like he goes to the store, gets a loaf of bread and just chucks it at people, expecting them to catch it so he can get first downs.

*Oops, sorry guys, thought I was posting a picture of Larry King. Didn’t realize it was the picture of Dorian Gray.

* I heard Lil Wayne on SNL perform “Got Money.” The first line you hear in it is Wayne yelling, “We need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of money to the VIP Section!” What kind of club just gives you free money? Apparently the same club that has Winn-Dixie bags laying around to put that free money in.

*Why don’t more guys pimp part-time? Let’s say some father of four is very charming, persuasive, and owns a purple hat, but he’s got a wife and kids to worry about. He’s got mad pimpin’ ability, but he just can’t commit the time to being a full-time pimp. What’s stopping him from starting up a side-pimping racket? Nothing that I know of.

*In light of the upcoming election, here are guys I think look like they could be presidents: Aaron Eckhardt, George Clooney, Peter Gammons (Andrew Jackson), Tom Cruise in Collateral, Morris Chestnut, Morris Day and the Time, Jack Morris, and Morrissey.

* He looks like the result of Jack Skellington having sex with a vulture.

*Here’s a sign that you’re struggling at fantasy football: I’m strong at quarterback with Roethlisberger and McNabb, and my boy Daniel had Brady. I asked him who he would give up for McNabb, and here was his response: “You see anybody on my team you want? I don’t really know who I have.”

D screwed me out of a fantasy championship in another league a couple years ago in an incident I like to call the Delhomme Swindle. Somehow he made it to the championship game with Rex Grossman as his QB, and because an already eliminated team had dropped Delhomme a few weeks earlier, he was able to pick him up and beat me in Week 17. I play D this week, and without Brady and with Larry Johnson, his team is struggling. Mine isn’t. So I’m petitioning the commissioner to allow me to start all my players at once. I want to bring the house in order to prove a point – never again can we allow such blatantly egregious fantasy bitchery to occur. Leave no doubt. Time to go Plainview on his ass.

*God, based on that picture, the knight protecting the Holy Grail has really let himself go.

* There are volunteers on the street in D.C. holding clipboards who ask you, “Do you have a minute for Barack Obama?” I let them give their speech, then after their done telling me all about Obama’s policies, I tell them I changed my mind and I’m going for McCain.

* Larry King looks like a dried up Ninja Turtle corpse.

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