Last night I was in my living room watching John McClane whoop ass in Die Hard 4 when I heard a noise in the kitchen. I grabbed the bust of Beethoven I keep around in case of an intruder and went to investigate.
When I got there I saw a small, hunchbacked man hiding behind my fridge, clutching a Code Red.
“Please, don’t harm me, sir!” he exclaimed nervously.
“Who the hell are you?” I said, just as nervous.
“It is I, Ephialtes of Sparta! I have admired your blog from afar, and have traveled far and wide to meet you and ask if I could pen a guest post! What is that, a bust of Thomas Jefferson?”
“Beethoven. So you’re telling me you traveled all the way from Greece just to write on my blog? Man, that’s dedication.”
The tiny freak bowed before me. “I would never presume I could craft a post as funny as one of yours, but I would consider it an absolute honor sir, if you would let me write just one for you! I have spent the last several months scrawling out blogs on pieces of parchment in preparation. I wrote fourteen parchment posts on the Dark Knight alone. Find it in your heart to allow me one post! Maybe on a slow Friday, right before the weekend, when traffic is slower?”
I rubbed my chin thoughtfully and put down the bust. He seemed to relax a little bit, but his eyes were fixed on me like a puppy waiting on his food dish. He did seem harmless, and he had made an awfully big sacrifice in coming here.
“Okay,” I said, and his clasped his hands together and beamed brightly, “but I’m warning you. It better be good.”
“Thank you, sir! A thousand times, thank you! I will author a blog post that is befitting your hilarity and wisdom, most gracious one! The only thing is, would you mind typing it for me? My fingers are too messed up to work on a keyboard.”
So here it is, a guest blog typed by me, from my main man, Ephialtes:
Hello, everyone. I am Ephialtes and I am going to write a blog. I hope it is a magnificent and wonderful blog that gives you many laughs. Umm…let’s see. What is the deal with the food they give you on those flying boxes? I find it to be more horrid than any punishment an Athenian could dole out. Oh, that isn’t funny. No one would find that musing to be comical. I am so stupid!
They say you should write about what you know. Okay! I got it. Hunchbacks. Yeah, hunchbacks are actually underrated. Well, they’re not underrated, but….if I’m at a party, my hunchback is a conversation starter. It’s something to build on. You can casually bump into some lady and say, “Excuse my hunchback,” and next thing you know you’re making out with her at Denny’s. That never happened to me, but it happened to this guy I know who also had a hunchback. Oh, no one will be able to relate to that! What an awful idea for a blog, Ephialtes. Come on, think man!
What else can I blog about? Okay, so what about Hillary Clinton? That lady, who was trying to run for president? So yeah….she seems like a real bitch.
(Ed. note: What the fuck?)
Oh! I know what I can blog about! This is a comical anecdote. Umm…I walk into this bar. No wait…this friend of mine walks…..I’m sitting at the bar. And there is a bartender there also. And this big grasshopper, the size of a man, walks into the bar. The grasshopper is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, like a regular man, making this scenario that much more comical. And the bartender says to him, “Hello, sir, we have a drink named after you!” And the grasshopper looks at him in amazement, and he says –
(Ed. note: Okay, that’s enough, Ephialtes. You’re really awful at this. Incoherent thoughts, rambling sentences…I mean, that last thing was a joke straight out of a joke book. You didn’t even tell it right. I’m going to have to ask you to stop.)
What? But it has been my dream to write for you, ever since January, when you started this thing. I have dreamed about this day, and I have prepared for it!
(Ed. note: I understand that, and I empathize. But each post is only as strong as the post next to it. I can’t have individual posts weakening the blog as a whole. I’m sorry. If you’d like to give me Code Reds while I write, or check my emails for me, that will be fine. But I cannot allow you to write for this blog.)
Ohh…..you wretched man…I spit at you! I will go forth and launch a blog of my own! Ephialtes.blogspot.com….it will be superior to yours in every way. And you will read it, while you burn in the hottest depths of hell, while a demon…does…bad stuff to you. Or something. Oh, why am I cursed to remain so ineloquent and awkward forever? Damn you, mother! Damn you, father!
Damn you, Mike Eltringham!
(Ed. note: Ok, buddy. Just don’t let your hunchback touch anything on your way out.)