This Truck Can Survive a Nuclear Holocaust!

Here’s a free tip for the good people at Ford Motor Company: when you’re advertising your trucks, don’t try so hard.

Ford has a commercial where an F-150 drops out of the back of the plane, still chained to it. The guy driving it slams on the brakes and grinds the plane to a halt. The final line is: “Even though you’ll probably never have to haul a 30,000 pound aircraft, at least you know you can stop one.”

Why is that even a good thing to know? How about just telling me about the gas mileage, or warranty information, or whether or not it has a CD player? If a car doesn’t have a CD player in 2008, that definitely disqualifies it from consideration, no matter how many giant planes it can stop.

My main problem with that line is that they’re conceding the fact that hauling a plane is a useless capability – but. But. At least you know you can stop one.

You want to know the demographics of people I think would be excited to know this information? Here they are:

1.) Terrorists
2.) John McClane

You see a lot of commercials with trucks being tested in extreme conditions. One truck drives to the edge of a ramp on the edge of a cliff. Another truck almost gets hit by a wrecking ball, narrowly avoiding destruction. It’s easy to understand why they do this: let’s say you’re a farmer sitting at home, thinking about all the cow shit you have to transport to the other side of town tomorrow, for whatever reason. Well, you get depressed because you’ve got this supposedly bad-ass truck, and all you do is move cow shit. And then this commercial comes on…with wrecking balls! And cliffs! And a beast made of fire – wait, that one was for the Marines. All these daring adventures give him a ray of hope that maybe somewhere on his normal route, he’ll have to dodge a wrecking ball. Maybe he’ll go find one. Or maybe he’ll go hit a bull, just because he knows he can. Then he’ll join the Marines.

But to most consumers, it’s all unnecessary, over-the-top fanfare. Why not just tell us what you’re truck can do? Why push it to the limits? You’re not going to convince any practical people to buy your car that way.

“If you want to go to the top of a volcano, you need the Ford F-150!”

“I don’t…I work in Washington, D.C., so I’ll probably need good gas mileage. You know, lots of stop and go traffic.”

“Oh…but what if there’s a bear on your way to work?”

“Then I’ll wait inside my car while someone from Animal Control safely corrals it. Are you insinuating that I could use this truck to take on a wild animal? That’s one of the perks of owning your vehicle? I don’t see why anybody would do that.”

“Well yeah, but…what if you want to tow the bear?”
You want to hook what to my asshole?!?
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