Good afternoon, my fellow Americans. What a fine day this is! I am honored to be before you, and I just met with Barack earlier today, and we are both really psyched about this. There is one thing I need to address before we go any farther: In no way, shape, or form, am I rapper Joe Budden.
I have been mistaken for Mr. Budden several times over the last few days by many media outlets. I’ve even been contacted by Budden after Fox News set up camp outside his house. Their truck disrupted the morning routine of several of Mr. Budden’s bitches. Let me take a minute to differentiate between me and Mr. Budden:
Mr. Budden is a very talented, young, black rapper from Spanish Harlem. I am a white guy who is old as fuck. It takes me like an hour to piss each time I go. Seriously. I read while I go number one, man.
You remember 2 Fast, 2 Furious? That one song from the credits, Pump it Up? That wasn’t by me, okay? The guy who wrote that song is not running alongside Barack Obama for the presidency. I didn’t even see that movie. Shit, I didn’t even go see Tokyo Drift. Any Fast and Furious movie without Vin Diesel isn’t allowed in the Biden household.
Apparently, Mr. Budden has serious beef with rapper Jay-Z. I’d like to state that I have no problem at all with Mr. Z. I love his work. In fact, my ringtone is currently Mo Money, Mo Problems, which is my favorite Jay Z song.
One of my aides informed me that Mr. Budden has won a Grammy Award. Upon listening to several of his songs, I think he would be very good at talking to the ladies. I, on the other hand, enjoy Diet Snapples and listening to the Moody Blues.
Finally, Mr. Budden, like most rappers, comes off like kind of an arrogant douchebag, while I am….actually, forget I brought that one up.
The bottom line is, just because my name sounds kind of like an obscure rapper does not mean I am that obscure rapper. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go talk to our possible Chief of Staff, Tony Yeeyo.