8 Gold Medals, Courtesy of Skynet

Everybody seems to be pretty pleased with you, Mr. Phelps. By all accounts, your Olympiad was not-too-shabby. Yep, I’d say you’re about ready to be anointed America’s Sweetheart.

Which is all the more reason to question whether or not you may be a Terminator.

Before you fly off the handle, America, just hear me out.

It’s true that no one has ever seen a Cyborg swim. And we’ve never seen Michael Phelps handle a machine gun. All I’m saying is that after that performance in Beijing, the guy is either juicing like Minute Maid or he’s a robot assassin. I don’t think there’s a third possibility.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: What if he’s Aquaman? Or he’s some kind of fish/human amalgam that has never been seen on Earth?

Well, to that I say: if he were Aquaman, Marvel would have signed him to a three picture deal by now and he would have made a cameo in Iron Man. And if he were some kind of fish man, his gills would be readily apparent. I mean, the guy wears a Speedo to work. So don’t be ridiculous. This is a blog for serious discussion, not pointless fantasy drivel.

Whatever he is, I don’t think Phelps should be done swimming. His actual swimming events may be over with, but that doesn’t mean the U.S. water polo team couldn’t use some help. He would probably dominate that too. Just give him the ball, let him take it underwater and swim into the goal from down there. Is that against the rules? Who gives a shit? It’s waterpolo.

In fact, let’s stack the water polo team. We can take this gold for the U.S.A, baby. I saw the U.S. team play Croatia on Saturday. We’re good, but we could be better. We’ll get Lebron on there too. If he can’t swim, we’ll get him some orange floaties to wear around his arms. Maybe we’ll throw ‘Melo on the bench also, so Bron will have somebody to hang out with. Dwayne Wade should also be there, because you know how those three roll. We need some speed, so we’ll also go for Tyson Gay. And with some fancy maneuvering with paperwork and a couple bribes, I think we could get Usain Bolt on board as well. I’m counting on the last two guys being able to run on top of the water for extended periods of time.

Here’s your reconfigured U.S. water polo line-up:

Center: T-800 Phelps
Small forward: Lebron
Power forward: Carmelo
Shooting guard: D-Wade
Point guard: Tyson Gay
Designated Jamaican guy: Usain Bolt

Book that lineup for 2012 and you’re looking at solid gold. And rest assured that I’ll be there watching as the new U.S. water polo czar from a luxury box in a mink coat, chomping a cigar and wearing orange floaties while my Dream Team takes us to victory.

2 thoughts on “8 Gold Medals, Courtesy of Skynet

  1. I have to nitpick, I’m sorry. Aquaman wouldn’t be in the Iron Man movie because Iron Man is Marvel, and Aquaman is DC.The Marvel version of Aquaman is Namor, the Sub-Mariner, who is able to fly thanks to wings on his ankles.I don’t know how I ever got married either.

  2. The first thing I thought when I read that was, “I should have thought of that.” So yeah….I don’t know how I ever WILL get married.

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