Craisins creep me out, man. The food itself is okay. It’s a dried out cranberry. Cranberries prepared like raisins. Okay, I understand that. But it’s an awkward sounding name. It sounds like it’s a fruit designed specifically for the insane. Craisins – fights urinary tract infections AND the demons in your head! Make the bad thoughts go away with Craisins.

Or what if they were just raisins that made you go crazy? Of course, no one would assume that, because you wouldn’t think anyone would audacious enough to market that kind of product. So you eat a few and next thing you know your girlfriend has the head of a camel and everyone is speaking in tongues. Every time your phone rings it just says, “Hey!” in Sean Connery’s voice. All because you were too stupid to take the Craisin name at face value.

I tell you who should be horrified by the idea of the craisin – cranberries. The craisin is basically a mummified cranberry. It’s bad enough if you’re a cranberry that you might get eaten or put into juice. But it has to be humiliating to think you may end up being dried out and preserved under another name. People won’t even get to remember you as a cranberry. You thought the only cranberry mummies existed in Cranberry-Egypt. Well, looks like you were wrong, little Cranberry Guy.

I know your cranberry family was hoping you’d be cranbremated and preserved in a cran-urn on the family crantle, but no. Wrong again, assfuck.

Another group of fruits that should be angry at the idea of craisins: raisins. Of all the fruits that are prepared by being left out in the sun, the raisin was the darling. Now he’s got competition. I imagine a giant raisin wearing jeans and a Jim Brown throwback jersey walking up to a craisin dressed like the Monopoly Guy and saying, “You’re stealing my thunder, Holmes! Everybody knows I’m the only fruit on the block that gets dried out and eaten. What do you think you’re doing, cabron?”

To which the craisin, too dignified to engage the thuggish raisin, replies, “Excuse me sir, I have an lunch meeting with a grapefruit downtown. Goodday.”

The raisin grabs him by the lapels and says: “Nah, you snide little bitch. I’ma go get my knife, then I’m going to come back here and shove it up your ass.”

And then raisin gets a murder one charge, all because the cranberry wanted to get in on that dried fruit action.


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