In the beginning, there was Don Mattingly’s mustache. On the sixth day, it decided that baseball need another badass mustache. So with that in mind, it traveled to a forest clearing, where it seduced a young noblewoman who had been traveling the countryside. As a result of this union, Mattingly’s mustache sired the Mustache of Giambi.
The Mustache of Giambi was a curious mustache, always up to no good. Often it strayed far from the watchful eye of Mattingly’s mustache. It would do things like prank call senior citizens and pump itself full of HGH. But in the end, Giambi’s mustache matured, and it became known for it’s majestic homerun shots as well as its uncommonly high on-base percentage.
Here are some fun facts about Giambino’s mustache:
*It helped Joe DiMaggio beat up Marilyn Monroe. Then, when the Rat Pack started messing around with her, it helped DiMaggio beat up the Rat Pack.
*Is the brother of Johnny Damon’s mustache and a cousin to Hideki Matsui’s scattered back hair. Its grandfather is Thurman Munson’s mustache, may it rest in mustache peace.
*Owes $50,000 to the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. It doesn’t gamble; it just never paid for all those crab legs it ordered.
*Giambi’s mustache always tips 40%, unless the waiter has a mustache. Then it feels threatened and tips 50% to be a big shot.
*Thinks that women with mustaches have a certain dignified sexiness.
*For Giambi’s mustache’s money, there’s no better actor than Gene Hackman.
*Giambi’s mustache once had a bet with Randy Johnson’s mustache that he could score with Lindsay Lohan’s mustache. Sure enough, it did.
*Killed and ate a deer because the deer crossed in front of its car without giving a ‘thank-you’ wave.
*Whenever it takes Giambi to the movies, insists that it pays for tickets while Giambi pays for popcorn and soda.
*Donated $175 to Virginia Tech after the events of 4/16. That might not seem like a lot, but it’s pretty good for some hair.
*Used to do go to Atlantic City with Pete Rose’s bangs every weekend.
*Can’t talk, but communicates with Giambi by squeaking out Morse Code.
*Scheduled to fight Kimbo Slice at Caesar’s Palace this September.
*Has an advice column in the Newark Star-Ledger where it answers every question with “Grow a mustache, next question.”