God, The Dark Knight Sucked

When film historians look back on the most disappointing movies of all time, The Dark Knight will sit atop that list. I saw it last night at an advanced screening, and rarely has such a highly anticipated work of art managed to fail on so many levels.

Before I get too deep into the review, I have to warn you: spoilers lie ahead. It’s not worth your ten dollars, but if you do insist on punishing yourself and you wish to remain spoiler-free, read no further.

I gave it a shot. I really tried to enjoy it. Batman Begins is one of my favorite movies of all time. Unfortunately, Knight doesn’t manage to hit on all cylinders like its predecessor. What went wrong?

The plot is razor thin. The story centers around Bruce Wayne’s conflicting identities, and how that plays into his battle with the maniacal Joker. Good set up, right? So, you know what the Joker’s diabolical plan entails? You know what this evil genius has come up with as a way to corrupt Gotham City?

A pyramid scheme.

Are you fucking serious? As soon as Joker told Batman that he could make up to $5,000 a month working from home, they lost me.

Oh, and why advertise Aaron Eckhardt as Two-Face when you know damn well that Thomas Jane is playing the role?

The story arc was totally disjointed. After Joker is killed at about the 27 minute mark, Bruce Wayne kicks back in his barcalounger with a Mr. Pibb while watching M*A*S*H. This continues uninterrupted for about three minutes. Then, in walks Alfred with perhaps the best example of the film’s heinous dialogue:

ALFRED: Master Bruce, I’m afraid I have some bad news.

BRUCE: What is it, Alfred?

ALFRED: It’s Catwoman sir, she…she’s dead.

BRUCE: Oh sweet Jesus…I can’t believe she’s gone. I feel so…cold and alone.

ALFRED: Death is cruel, Master Bruce. May I suggest a matinee showing of Disney/Pixar’s WALL*E to buoy your spirits?

BRUCE: A-Town…you scratch me right where I itch!

That’s the next two hours of the film…Bruce and Alfred watching WALL*E. As bad as the scene is, it’s made worse by several onlookers loudly asking, “Hey, isn’t that Michael Caine?”

After WALL*E is over, Michael Caine suggests they hit up a “Gotham City dick bar.” The film’s final act culminates with Caine and Bale drinking a bucket full of Coronas at a gay club. The only semi-interesting thing that happens is when they run into actor Robert Wuhl. Once Wuhl figures out what’s going on, he attempts to recreate his Knox character from the 1989 Batman, until Caine gives him a 20 and tells him to get lost.

It really hurts me to write this review, but I had to be honest. Sorry if anybody had their hopes up.


3 thoughts on “God, The Dark Knight Sucked

  1. I am currently sitting in a training seminar taught by Jim Eltringham. He is speaking right now about your “review” as an example of increasing web presence.

  2. Pingback: The Best of Understated Stupidity « Mike Eltringham

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