“The suspect was being followed pretty closely, as crime runs in the family,” said Newport News PD chief Bob Wilson. “Although Moland has a spotless record, engages in many nerdy activities, and probably eats his boogers, we knew it was just a matter of time.”
Moland, 17, told police officials that he was biking home from a late night chess match at a friend’s house when a Kit Kat wrapper fell out of his bike’s basket.
“The suspect contended that it was unintentional, but I mean…c’mon,” Wilson said. “Look at the bloodline.”
Vick was put in handcuffs and beaten for about 20 minutes. After that, he was tasered repeatedly. According to officers on the scene, he wailed like a little bitch throughout the entire beating.
“You never can be too sure,” said Wilson. “I mean, I don’t think he’s into dog fighting, but when we broke into his room he had two crickets in a plastic jar.”
“He probably wanted them to fight.”
Vick, who has been described by his teachers as a polite, if not socially inept, student, has a 3.9 grade point average at Warwick High School in Newport News. He is the vice president of the chess club and he loves Naruto.
“MAH BABY!” said Brenda Boddie, Vick’s mother. “He didn’t do nothing! Search his room! You won’t find but a little bit of weed in there, and that belongs to his cousin Ray Ray!”
A raid on Moland’s room uncovered several frayed Pokemon cards, a Captain America action figure with its right leg broken off, and what could only be described as a monstrous pile of Asian-themed pornography.
“I’m unsure of what the state will charge him with, but I know what I can charge him with – being a class 1 weiner,” said Wilson, while stepping on a model sailboat Moland had constructed. “It’s a shame we have to lock him up. But you know the old saying: one rotten apple spoils the bunch. In this case, it’s two rotten apples. Two rotten apples who sleep with minors and stage dogfights.”
The county plans to charge Vick to the fullest extent of the law and look for the maximum penalty of a $250 fine and three hours community service. DA Kenneth Smiley wasn’t even satisfied with that.
“Can’t we put him in jail?” said Smiley. “I know he just threw some junk on the ground, but isn’t there a special clause when it comes to the Vicks? What’s the law on that?”
While Vick showed up to the jailhouse with two black eyes, he was quick to point out that only one was due to police brutality. The other was given to him by a bully.
When reached for a comment in prison, oldest brother Michael declined to speak, saying he had rocks to polish and a Raquel Welch poster to tape to his cell wall.