The Real Problem with Imus

The media backlash against Don Imus for recent comments about Pacman Jones has been swift and harsh. I think a critical issue is being overlooked, however. The media is missing out on a fairly obvious victim in all this. Don’t misunderstand me: I do believe black people have every right to be angry over the comments.

But what about zombies?

If you want to be a racist in private, fine, Mr. Imus, but when you died in 1982 and continued to roam the Earth as a member of the undead, you made a choice. And with that choice comes responsibility. It’s not fair to ruin the good names of zombies everywhere.

You should know every morning, as you awkwardly lumber through the streets of New York with your arms hanging in front of you, with your eyes glazed over, lacking any sign of human spirit or emotion, that you have a reputation to uphold. A reputation of racial tolerance that has been a hallmark of zombie-human relations for as long as there have been zombies.

Not everyone who looks like he stared into the Ark of the Covenant hates black people, you know.

When you come into the studio at the crack of dawn with your tongue hanging out of your mouth, you may mumble incoherently about a number of things, including your unquenchable thirst for human brain. Leave it at that. No need to throw in any racial slurs while you’re at it.

The opening stages of human decomposition are no picnic. I get that. Just don’t let your anger show! Everything you do puts the zombie population under a microscope.

My point is this: You are the most prominent of your kind. It’s not fair to zombies that they’re stereotyped as bigots – all because you’re pissed you look like an old tree. Wise up.

P.S. Pacman Jones said he would pray for Imus. How about praying for that dude you paralyzed?


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