Sources: Clemens Responsible for 9/11

HOUSTON, TX – According to multiple sources, the Department of Homeland Security is set to call a press conference today implicating former pitcher Roger Clemens in the September 11th terrorist attacks. According to documents obtained by Homeland Security, Clemens organized the plot during down time in between starts in the summer of 2001 after he had “ran out of other evil shit to do.” When reached for comment, Clemens, in the middle of an orgy with some nuns he turned into his own personal prostitutes, stated: “I think the defense secretary misremembers what he saw in those documents.” Clemens then clicked open a grenade of cocaine, poured it over some perfectly good food, and sniffed it right in front of a starving Ethiopian child.


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