Geo Beach? I Got Geo Beef

I see a commercial on the History Channel for a reality show called “Tougher in Alaska.” True to its name, the promo features this loud mouth host, an Alaskan native named Geo Beach, talking about how tough it is to live in Alaska.

It’s always cold and dark IN ALASKA. Bears will come into your home and watch your TV while eating your family IN ALASKA. Fetal alcohol syndrome and lots of snow are on the menu today IN ALASKA.

Every commercial ends the same way, with Geo Beach screaming that “everything is tougher…IN ALASKA.”

Apparently one thing is tougher than Alaska: moving.

Can’t you just leave? The whole show seems to be built around the premise that you have to stay in the place you were born. Go somewhere else. Wouldn’t that be easier than dedicating a weekly series to how bad it sucks to live there? Really, it should be a two episode show.

Episode one: show how tough it is to live in Alaska.

Episode two: Acquire a phone directory, and call a moving company. After paying them for their services, load up your stuff in the truck, and agree to meet at a predetermined destination. Follow them.

That’s it. Show over. Maybe you have a bonus third episode where the Geo sits in his apartment reading off Alaska’s Wikipedia page. “Hmm..state bird is the willow ptarmigan. Aw shit, I forgot to get Doritos! I hate my life. It’s so much tougher to meet somebody IN ALASKA. I hate having to call the escort service IN ALASKA.”

Here’s an excerpt from the History Channel’s website on the show: “Everything is tougher in Alaska. From earning a living to burying the dead, everyday life here has always been shaped by severe weather, rugged terrain and vast distances between communities.”

Unless you’re strapping the departed to a rocket and launching them to Mars, I don’t understand how burying the dead can be any harder. Maybe they mean it’s tougher from an emotional standpoint, but that still doesn’t compute. No one anywhere is having a good time at a funeral. It’s not like anyone at a wake in Minnesota is carrying around cotton candy and a balloon.

There’s a whole mini-industry of reality TV developing based on the premise that the average American is a giant pussy. So you’d rather work in a cubicle while getting health benefits than drive an 18 wheeler over ice for a living? What’s wrong with you, period-haver?! I’m pretty sure that the working title for Deadliest Catch was Too Scared to Catch Crabs, Aren’t You Fagtron?

My message to the producers and host of all these type of shows: slow your roll, homies. Put it in perspective: if any other time period in history had reality television, you would all look like giant douches.

This week we’ll show you how to survive on bugs and rainwater…ONBOARD A SLAVESHIP.

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7 thoughts on “Geo Beach? I Got Geo Beef

  1. OMG. I just about laughed up a lung. It’s true that reality shows are anything but….Look at how Ice Road Truckers pissed off everyone in Yellowknife and got banned from those ice roads (see the Ice Road Truckers wikipedia entry).The show isn’t bad if you turn off the volume and fast forward over the scenes with Geo. The scenery really is quite captivating.

  2. Well, to add insult to injury. Geo is a New Englander that graduated from Exeter prep, then went to Yale. He is not a native Alaskan. He is just a pretentious silver spooner that used to write poetry. No joke.

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