But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

This is Part 2 of my critically acclaimed essay series, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? In it I pit various people, monsters, animals, atrocities, and pretty much any noun up against the great Chewbacca.


BARACK OBAMA
Strengths: Captivating speaker, hailed by some as a modern JFK.
But Could He Beat Chewbacca?: Obama has a staggering lead heading into the convention, but is forced to step down when his opponent, Chewbacca, presents a perfectly photo-shopped picture of Obama in the middle of a Gamorrean guard orgy aboard Jabba’s skiff.

NAZIS
Strengths: Um…they follow through.
But Could They Beat Chewbacca?: The Nazis have him surrounded and it looks like its going to be curtains for our boy. “Wait!” he says. “I have one of these.” He pulls out a small, metallic-looking Star of David.

They room erupts with sneering laughter. “What is Herr going to do with a Star of David?” yells Hitler in between guffaws.

A smile curls across our hero’s lips. “Star of David? Check it, homey….this is a NINJA Star of David!”

I think the conclusion is pretty obvious.

GENESIS
Strengths: Popular soft rock band from the seventies and eighties; was at its most popular when it featured Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford, and Tony Banks.
But Could It Beat Chewbacca?: After Genesis plays an incredible four hour reunion set that leaves their fans screaming for more, Chewbacca takes the stage. He then picks up a guitar and beats the shit out of the entire band in about 15 minutes. “What?” he yells at the confused crowd. “Did you think I was going to play instruments?” He then grabs Collins, picks him up and says, “Now who wants to see this bald asshole eat my Wookie plank?”

THE POPE
Strengths: Leader of Catholic church; seen as a symbol of purity and hope for millions worldwide.
But Could He Beat Chewbacca?: I don’t think this one actually goes down. The Pope would be at their scheduled fight, and Chewie would show up in street clothes, refusing to fight the pontiff. Chewie releases a statement afterwards: “I was about to kick his old ass when I realized – anyone who opposes the use of birth control is cool with me. ‘Cause everybody knows the ‘Bacca don’t wear no jimmy hat.”

ANYBODY WHO MOCKS THE 2006 DEATH OF R&B SINGER GERALD LEVERT
Strengths: Levert was generally considered to be overweight, so he may prove to be an easy target for insensitive ridicule.
But Could They Beat Chewbacca?: It would take Chewbacca, a notorious Levert fan, about 15 seconds to demolish anyone who talked about this deceased, portly crooner.

DAT ASS
Strengths:
It’s phat.
But Could It Beat Chewbacca?: We see Chewie emerge from a hotel room early one morning, buckling his belt and eating a piece of toast. “Yeah yeah,” he says quietly to himself. “Chewie punished dat ass.”

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