I’m at the store the other day trying to decide between between Milky Way and Twix, when I see a Toblerone bar. If you’re unaware of what a Toblerone bar is, you’re among the majority. It’s a triangular Swiss chocolate with honey and almond nougat. I have never seen anyone eating a Toblerone. I did a little research and actually came up with the home phone number of the inventor of the Toblerone, Rick Toblerone. I wanted to touch base with Mr. Toblerone to find out some info on the mysterious and unpopular Toblerone bar:
ME: Mr. Toblerone?
RT: Who is this? What the –
ME: Were you asleep?
RT: Who – (unintelligible)
ME: Mr. Toblerone, don’t hang up. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your –
RT: Let me stop you right there. It’s not my kid.
ME: Oh no! No that’s not –
RT: I took the DNA test, it’s not mine. Okay, Ace? I never even met the bi-
ME: Mr. Toblerone, I wanted to ask you a few questions about your candy bar, the Toblerone. Could I have a minute.
RT: Oh yeah, yeah. Sure thing. What time is it, anyway…midnight? 1?
ME: Uh, it’s 3:25 in the afternoon.
ME: What inspired you to combine honey and almond nougat?
RT: Let me see…okay. I remember now. It’s 1984. I had just moved to California from New Jersey, and boy, was I lonely. Had no friends, only person I knew was my mom. So I’m walking down the street one day, and I meet this old Japanese man. He’s a janitor at the school or something. Couple of the neighborhood punks had roughed me up day before last, so I ask him if he’ll teach me to defend myself. He says okay, but all he does is teach me how to clean his house. Well, turns out that the methods he was teaching me to use to clean were the SAME ones used in karate. He entered me in this karate tournament, and I end up winning against a whole dojo full of jerks who beat me up earlier. That inspired me to go on to invent the Toblerone.
ME: Uh, okay, no offense or anything Mr. Toblerone, but what you just described to me is the plot of the Karate Kid.
RT: Is it?
RT: You sure it isn’t Top Gun?
ME: Moving on. What makes your candy bar so unpopular? It seems like a winning combination, and yet I’ve never seen anyone eating one.
RT: I’m glad you asked. Ideally, it’s a good combination. The problem is that my company can’t afford honey, so we use frozen Pinesol.
ME: What? Pinesol is lethal if ingested.
RT: No it isn’t.
ME: It says so on the bottle.
RT: Well, you know what they say – what doesn’t kill you…..
RT: But what?
ME: It can kill you.
RT: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you have a lab coat and a beaker? No, you don’t. So you’re not a scientist. So you’re not in a position to say what can kill people and what can’t.
ME: Well, your product barely sells. How does your company stay in business?
RT: Extremely cheap labor and exorbitant retail prices. Have you ever checked the tag? Most Toblerone’s go for about $34 a bar. And they’re a delicacy in southeast Asia. I went to a jungle in Cambodia ten years ago and convinced a couple of the natives that I was Thor, God of the Sun, and I sold them Toblerones in bulk for a pissload of gold trinkets.
ME: Glad to see you didn’t take advantage of the situation.
RT: My wife’s Cambodian. Wanna talk to her?
ME: No, that’s okay. Last question: in the annals of candy bar history, what will the Toblerone legacy be?
RT: Gee, I hope that it’s….Philanthropist. Humanitarian. Cambodian-lover. I want people to look back on me and think – “Rick Toblerone. He may not have competed with the Mars and the Hersheys of the world, but there was a guy with a gargantuan unit.”
ME: What does that have to do with candy?
RT: What do you have to do with candy?
After I hung up the phone, I did a little more research and realized that the creator of the Toblerone was not, in fact, Rick Toblerone. What at first seemed too ridiculous to be true, was in fact too ridiculous to be true. No, it was actually his cousin, Mick “Pretty Boy” Toblerone.