Iron Man came out last week. A new Indiana Jones is coming out at the end of this month. And The Dark Knight premieres in July. All summer blockbusters, all designed to entertain. Oh, nerds will wax on and on about the depth of character prevalent in Iron Man, or how Bruce Wayne speaks to the duality in all our lives. At the end of the day, though, they’re guys in suits who beat up bad guys. That’s not to say that the movies are not well done, but there’s a reason they’re known as popcorn movies.

Flash back to MLK Day, 2008.

I’m sitting in a theater waiting to see There Will Be Blood and for the first time in my life, I’m going to a movie by myself. I didn’t know anyone else who wanted to see it. I can’t quantify why, but something about the trailer made me think it was going to kick ass.

And it did. It was an eerily subtle – obviously much different then the ones I listed above. While it was definitely great, it was also very disturbing, and the vibe from the audience reflected that. There were lots of audible gasps to puncuate every “You think Michael Corleone is a gangster?”-type moment from DDL.

What made me most uncomfortable? Nothing from the actual film. It was the fact that throughout the whole thing, I was sitting there with a giant bucket of popcorn.

Around the time first time a guy at the bottom of a well gets crushed by a falling drill, I figured that something about my Scrooge McDuck’s safe-sized tub of carnival food felt out of place. The subject matter of some films just demand more reverance than you can give it while eating something that comes in a bucket.

That being said, here are the top five movies that are popcorn-inappropriate:

5. The Hours – Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, and Julianne Moore star as depressed feminists or something. I think one of them kills herself by the end.
What Should I Eat Instead? How about a steak, made by your wife/girlfriend? After sitting through this you’ve earned it.

4. The Shawshank Redemption – A true classic, but I think you need to show full respect for the Hall of Fame facial that Andy gives the warden in the last 30.
What Should I Eat Instead? Drink an ice cold beer. Nothing quite like that one time me and my buddies had some beers at a movie. We sat and drank with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men. Hell, we could have been tarring the roof of one of our own houses. We were the lords of all creation. As for Andy – he spent that break hunkered in the shade, a strange little smile on his face, watching us drink his beer.

3. Schindler’s List – This is so horrible…my God, what a travesty…I can’t bear to watch….You know what’s good though….this artificial flavoring! You know what….yes, why I actually think I PREFER it to real butter.
What Should I Eat Instead? Holler at a latke.

2. Gandhi – The guy starved himself for the cause….I mean, at the very least you could downgrade to a Diet Coke.
What Should I Eat Instead? Nothing.

1. Hotel Rwanda – I never saw Hotel Rwanda, but I can’t imagine witnessing a genocide re-enacted on a 32 foot high screen while you fight the urge to just stick your face directly into your bucket and eat out of it like a hog at a trough.
What Should I Eat Instead? Nothing that you usually get at a movie theater, that’s for sure. Women and men alike are openly sobbing at this gut-wrenching story….meanwhile you’re thinking to yourself, “I wonder if they have Raisinets in Zimbabwe?”

UNRELATED THOUGHT: To everyone geeking out over Iron Man – Isn’t it awesome that they made a movie about a rich guy hiding behind a mask and using his wealth and knowledge for good, all while continuing his playboy lifestyle as a facade? Isn’t that (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0468569/) genius?

In other news, the villains for Iron Man 2 were announced – Jester, the Puffin, and Matthew Lesko.


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