But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

Michael Corleone. Charles Foster Kane. Andy Dufresne. T.E. Lawrence. Legendary characters in cinema. But anyone who knows me personally knows for that for me, one character shines brighter than any other figure captured on film. Like a beacon on the hill. 

I’m talking, of course, about Chewbacca.

Any list of greatest movie characters should have him in the Top 2, behind only Christ. For those of you not familiar with him, here is a primer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chewbacca.

He combines the loyalty of a dog with the ability to kick ass of a guy who can kick a lot of ass. What if I had an 8 foot St. Bernard walk around with me on two legs as my sidekick? Nobody would mess with me. And for those of you who were wondering, yes, he would be wearing pants. Wrinkle-free Dockers. No shirt though. Let’s not get ridiculous.

Anyway, in honor of my boy, I’ve decided to pit him against some of the most formidable foes from real life and fiction, in a new running series I’d like to call: But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

Strengths: Big; elusive; most likely not as friendly as he was depicted in “Harry and the Hendersons.”
But Could He Beat Chewbacca?: No chance. This is like pitting Chewbacca against himself, and nobody knows Chewbacca better than Chewbacca.

Strengths: Vicious, brutal MMA internet phenom; will fight anyone, anywhere, anytime; named his third child “Kevlar.”
But Could He Beat Chewbacca?: Kimbo’s rudimentary style would be no match for years of formal Wookie training. Chewbacca comes out strong and hits him with an unstoppable flurry of punches. After the fight, Kimbo is beaten so badly that he thinks he’s a gay man named Kimbo Flurry.

Strengths: Everyone’s afraid of bees……
But Could They Beat Chewbacca?: …’cept Chewie.

Strengths: One of the all-time great clutch pitchers in baseball history.
But Could He Beat Chewbacca?: After realizing he can’t fight, Schilling resorts to chucking baseballs in the direction of the mighty Wookie. Laughing this off, Chewie precedes to beat his face in, continually asking in a language only Han Solo could understand, “Had enough yet?” After the fight, Chewbacca takes Mrs. Schilling to a Days Inn and gives her the business. Not the dirty one off of Route 7; the classy one downtown. I’ll be honest, as a Yankee fan, I’d give up my first born to see this one go down for real.

Strengths: Certainly gave Tina a run for her money.
But Could He Beat Chewbacca?: It starts out when Ike comes over to Tina’s place after they break up. He begs, pleads with her….”Come on baby! You know you want this! Let’s make it like old times!” And despite his looks, his charm, his sexy way….Tina finds a way to say no. She has to. She knows that there is no changing him….and this final rejection sends Ike over the deep end. He hits her again….his fists flying with a stank reserved only for her….but before he can cause her too much damage, who bursts through the door? Chewbacca. Her new man. Dressed like Tony Montana, his paws fly with a purpose: Tina is HIS woman now, and he’s not letting this monster back into her life. He pounds on Ike with a passion he hasn’t felt since that run-in with Dengar in the Tibanna gas mines. After a ten minute full-on drubbing, he chucks Ike out the window, where he falls the bed of a pick-up full of horse manure. As it drives off into the night, Chewbacca grabs Tina around her waist and plants one on her….then before he bounces, he makes sure to get up in that.

God rest, Ike.

Strengths: Affects millions worldwide; a growing epidemic getting worse by the day.
But Could It Beat Chewbacca?: If he can fix the hyperdrive on the Millenium Falcon, I’m sure he can find a way to distribute packages of food to everyone in the world who needs it. I think Chewbacca attacks this one logically and adopts the Meals-On-Wheels model – just on a much larger scale.

Strengths: Cunning, manipulative man-child and bully….only way to pierce his ice cold heart is to appeal to his deep-seeded desire for a true family.
But Could He Beat Chewbacca?: Crossbow > Bowling pin.

Strengths: Has crippled U.S. economy; left thousands of Americans in dire financial straits.
But Could It Beat Chewbacca?: The scene: the Oval Office. President Bush tells the American people that a breaking point has been reached, and the Economy has descended into catastrophic levels. In order to solve the problem, he’s called in the only one he can trust in a time like this: Chewbacca. He’s going to work on this problem until the Economy gets fixed. So in walks the massive Wookie. His gray suit perfectly pressed; his expression grim. A pair of wire rim glasses dangle from his massive head. He grips a yellow legal pad, a pencil, and a hand held calculator. Nothing more. He nods to the Commander in Chief, and as he retires to his Washington, D.C. office, he only has one requirement: at lunchtime, a rotting hunk of beef.

And he goes to work. And the nation waits. And waits. And waits. Weeks pass. A throng of people gather outside. Finally, a door swings open. A hush falls over the crowd. Patting down his sweaty brow with a red kerchief, out walks Chewbacca. He takes off his glasses, raises his arm to the air, and with a smirk says in perfect English:

“Ballgame over. I fixed the Recession.”

A second to process the news….and then the crowd loses it. Fireworks go off, people are lifted to the heavens in celebration. The President and Chewbacca bump chests. Dick Cheney does the Sprinkler. A van is overturned. Fires are set. Somewhere, behind all this madness, Han nods his approval. One more time, Chewbacca grabs the mic:

“Hey everybody, I just wanna let you know….we’re throwing down in Georgetown tonight….anybody trying to get wasted?” The crowd roars its approval.

Chewbacca nods. “I knew you were.”

If you would like to suggest anyone for the next edition of “But Could He Beat Chewbacca?” please comment below. Up next week? The Cloverfield monster, Gandhi, AIDS, and racism.


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