Aren't I Hot Shit in this Yankees Jacket?

Hey! Check out this brand new New York Yankees jacket! My wife got it for me for my 48th birthday. I don’t know shit about the Yankees, but I know I look good in this thing. What do you think, dude?

Who cares if I’m not a “real fan?” Who cares that I’ve never set foot inside Yankee Stadium, or watched a game on TV? This navy blue jacket with the word “Yankees” stitched in cursive white lettering makes me look fantastic. I don’t know anything about the hundred-plus year history of the Yankee franchise, but I do know that navy blue looks pretty.

From the gorgeous design on the front, to the white spherical object getting attacked by an eagle with a stick on the sleeve, my look says one word: Yankee fan.

Before you jump ugly with me, I do know a little about the Yankees storied past. I know the Yankees have more legends than any team ever assembled, and that they’re all memorialized in Legends Park, where all the Yankee greats are buried. Great ballplayers like Mickey “The Great Mick” DiMaggio, Phil Scuzzuto, the great American Indian player Lou Iron Horse, and Bobby Murcer. Other than that, my knowledge of this proud franchise extends only to the fact that wearing their logo on my back during cold weather months makes me hot shit.

Who the fuck is Jorge Posada?

Monday morning I show up to the office, and Bob Donaldson from accounting sees me in my gigantic, puffed up Yankee jacket. He says to me, “Hey – what do you think about the pitching staff this year? You think Hughes and Kennedy are the real deal?” Well, I don’t know what he’s talking about, so I improvise: “Oh yeah Bob! Well that squad from Boston is for shit! Get out of my cubicle you New Englander!” Bob’s from Ohio, but all’s fair in love and trash talk.

Now I don’t know a lot about the current team, but there are a few things I’m aware of: I don’t know how good Joe Torre is at managing baseball games, but he’s a class act all the way in my book. I especially loved his performance in Goodfellas. And how can you not love A-Rod, the homerun king? He’s such a clean cut guy, and he’s so talented. How could you boo anyone who hits as many dingers as that guy? I tuned into Sportscenter to see how many dingers he’s had so far this season, but I fell asleep. That Dick Vitale sure is a gas though.

Hey, I wonder if I should have A-Rod’s name stitched onto the back of my jacket, along with his number 23? Am I allowed to do that?

Before you go calling me a front runner and some such nonsense, I’ll have you know that I’m a staunch supporter of the Dallas Cowboys (the ones who play football, not hockey). In fact, one of my most prized possessions is a hand-knit Cowboys sweater which I owned from 1972-1980, when I gave it to my nephew, and then again after 1992, when I took it back from him. I’m no fair weather friend, sir, and I’ve got the wardrobe to prove it.

So while all you other sports fans are busy NOT showing your support, I’ll be flashing my Yankee pride at the office, at the movies, and everywhere else! My only problem right now is figuring out how I can show my support even more! I think the only solution right now is taking the little lady on a road trip to Yankee Park! That, or wearing nothing but the jacket and beating off to the sight of myself in a full-length mirror.

Go Yankees!


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