The Wednesday before the NCAA Tournament kicks off, associate Carl Pickley analyzes his office bracket with a co-worker:
I got Texas, UNC, Wisconsin, and UCLA in the Final Four. Got UNC taking out UCLA in the final. A couple people in the office have the same final four though, but I got some upset specials they don’t got.
Thing is, to win, I need Davidson to take out G-Town in the Sweet 16. Then I need Winthrop to go to the Elite Eight. Nobody else had that. I got Siena taking out Clemson in the second round…what else do I need here? Now, St. Joe’s….here’s the thing….I need St. Joe’s to not show up. Like, the whole team. I need them to all miss their plane, or get the plague, or something like that. Then I need the Selection Committee to decide to replace them with the Globetrotters. Then I need the Globetrotters to beat Oklahoma by at least 14, and hit at least one person with a bucket of confetti. Nobody else has got that.
I’m lookin at this thing right now….umm….I told you I picked the Heels to go all the way, right? Well, in the second round, I need them to win, but I need their game against Indiana played under donkey basketball rules. What else do I got…..
I got Louisville beating Tennessee to get to the Regional Final……but I got them feeling really bad about it.
I got West Virginia taking out Duke. I saw that Nancy has that, too. But the thing is, I got Coach K coming out at halftime, holding a beaker and wearing a white lab coat, telling everyone he has the cure for cancer. Then I got a West Virginia fan running on the court, grabbing the beaker, and drinking the cure for cancer. Then I got the Mountaineers burning a couch on the court, eating some flap jacks, and burning Coach K while listening to Ronnie James Dio’s “Rainbow in the Dark.”
I got Portland State actually leading Kansas by five with two minutes left…but then then I got them leaving the court when they get frustrated with Bill Self yelling at them for not “getting” Tool.
Mississippi State and Oregon….I don’t know who’s going to win, but after this one is over, someone is going to be gay who wasn’t before.
I got Tom Izzo leaving Michigan State mid-game to go wrestle in WWE under the name “Handsome” Jack Flamingo while wearing a peroxide blonde wig. I also got him winning the Intercontinental belt from the 1-2-3 Kid.
George Mason…see, remember in 2006 I had them going to the Final Four? This year I got them going to the Sweet 16. I never have them losing, I just have them deciding to walk away like on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
In the South, I need Pitt to go to the Elite 8….I think Dave has this too, but unlike him I got Tupac showing up to the Marquette/Kentucky game and putting a curse on Billy Gillespie and doing other weird, undead type stuff.
Let’s see…..final four….in the first game, I got Bo Ryan telling Roy Williams that if Wisconsin can’t beat UNC, he can have his wife. Then I got UCLA taking out Texas when Mr. Fuji throws salt in D.J. Augustin’s eyes. In the final, I need UNC and UCLA to agree that instead of playing a basketball game, they should all sit around and talk about art for forty eight minutes. Right before the buzzer sounds, I got Danny Green grabbing the ball and dunking it real quick to give them a 2-0 win for the title.
I really hope I win. I need the money because I wanna take that bitch in accounting out for lobster.