JELLYSTONE TO CRACK DOWN ON PICNIC BASKET THEFT
Yesterday, Ranger Smith announced at a press conference from the main observation desk of Jellystone National Park that him and his staff were beefing up on security measures around the park. Their target?
“We aim to better protect the picnic baskets of our park visitors,” said Smith.
Visitors to the park have been clamoring for a lock down on park security after countless picnic baskets have been stolen by bears. Smith finally took action. Motion sensors, infared technology, and a rusty bear trap are just a few of the features that the park will be adding in the next few weeks in order to deter theft of picnic baskets by bears.
“When people sit down at home and prepare sandwiches, pack fruits and cookies, or what have you…you know, they don’t intend that to get in the hands of a bear,” Smith said. They want to eat that themselves. So hopefully we can put an end to these egregious violations.”
SMITH: PICNIC BASKET THEFTS DOWN 95% IN JELLYSTONE
According to a report released yesterday by Ranger Smith, bears have stopped stealing picnic baskets within the confines of Jellystone National Park almost altogether.
“After years of failure, I’ve finally done it. I assure everyone in the state and the nation that it is has never been safer to picnic at Jellystone.”
Smith also reported that visitor turnout has went up by almost 200% ever since the increase in security; the park has never seen such a high volume of visitors.
BEAR EATS ENTIRE FAMILY
A bear at Jellystone Park has eaten an entire family of people, according to wire reports. The clothes of a suburban family of five was found in a bear cave near the park entrance yesterday morning. Police on the scene have ruled out homicide by a human, as the family’s clothes was drenched in honey. Comically large bottles of pepper and salt were also found at the scene.
“Obviously, this is not good,” said Ranger Smith. “Wow….it really looks like things got out of hand. If a bear did this – and keep in mind, nothing’s been proven – then he really didn’t mess around.
“But I mean, a dude could have done this,” Smith added. “If I were you, I’d keep my eye on that O.J. character. I’m just saying.”
Bear experts think differently, however. Dr. Paul Romanoff, a scientist who studies bears at the University of Delaware, believes that the park ranger is at fault. “By preventing bears from stealing picnic baskets – an annoying, yet relatively harmless activity – Ranger Smith has ensured that these beasts will revert back to their true nature and remain bloodthirsty for weeks to come.”
Park officials, in what they said was an unrelated story, warned everyone in the area to be on the look out for a talking bear who escaped from the park late last night.
SUPER-INTELLIGENT BEAR SPEAKS AT LOCAL BORDERS LAST NIGHT
A bear wearing a green hat, green tie, and white collar spoke at Borders in downtown Washington, D.C., last night, promoting his new book, of which he never revealed the title. The bear spoke eloquently for over two hours about his incredible journey across the country after breaking out of Jellystone Park. During the Q&A session afterwards, a question came up regarding the name of his book. After dancing around the issue for a few moments, the bear revealed that the book he was holding was just a copy of Moby Dick. He then ate the audience.