MIAMI, FL (AP WIRE SERVICES) – No one questioned that the New England Patriots place as the best team in the NFL this season.
But were they the best of all time?
That question was put to rest Sunday night as the Patriots destroyed the ’72 Dolphins, 100-0, just a week after winning the Super Bowl to finish their season at an unmatched 20-0.
The Dolphins (0-1), who would not stop bitching about how great they were this year, were given the beating of a lifetime. New England left no doubt from the outset, scoring 42 first quarter points, with touchdown catches from Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Laurence Maroney, Mike Vrabel, Tom Brady, and two from coach Bill Belichick himself. Belichick’s second touchdown was punctuated by a crushing stiff arm to Dolphins’ punter Garo Yepremiam. Yepremiam was forced to play linebacker because he was one of the few remaining Dolphins with the ability to stand upright.
“We beat a good football team out there today, there’s no question,” said a champagne-soaked Belichick, carefully stepping over Nick Buoniconti’s heavily bruised body. “They were undefeated for a reason. It’s not easy to score exactly a hundred, but they made us work our butts off to do it.”
Belichick then viciously slapped Buoniconti, adding, “Ya like that, bitch? Hmm?”
The controversial “Plus-One” format, long talked about as a possibility in the NCAA’s Bowl Subdivision, was added this year as a way of deciding which undefeated team was the greatest of all time. Many questioned the decision to let men who were in their fifties and sixties play against a group of finely-tuned athletic machines.
“We wanted this debate settled on the field,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “And I think the results speak for themselves. The modern athlete triumphs….the 1972 athlete awaits an ambulance that will never show, because we cut off all the phone wires in the stadium so they’d have to stay and watch this.”
Goodell then made an exaggerated smelling gesture, closed his eyes, and bellowed, “Can you SMELLLLLLLLL-LA-LA-LA….what the Rock….is cookin?”
While the first five minutes of play resembled a standard football game, it did not take long for the game to descend into bedlam. After the tone of the contest was clear, many Dolphins players lay unconscious on the field, a fire raged on their sideline, and several players attempted to run away from the action, only to be dragged back kicking and screaming.
“Today’s win was a team effort, on both sides of the ball,” said Patriots safety Rodney Harrison, as he drank Bacardi from a Dolphins helmet and clutched the waist of Marie Csonka, Larry Csonka’s widow. “My favorite play was when Brady ran forty yards untouched, then right before he crossed the goal line, he ran back and started actively looking for guys he could could hit with a wrench. We were joking on the sideline that when we got on defense, we should just take the ball and see if we could literally stick it up [quarterback Bob] Griese’s ass!
Harrison paused and added, “And, you know, it took a little WD-40 and a lot of elbow grease, but sure enough we did it.”
The second and third quarters featured less scoring but more humiliation: at about the 10:00 minute mark in the second period, several Patriots brought some chairs, bottles of alcohol, and several splifs onto the field and lounged at their own 20 yard line as linebacker Tedy Bruschi wanted to see if he could force a three and out by himself. He was successful, intercepting a poorly thrown ball and returning it for a touchdown. At about the same time, Chicago Bears quarterback Brian Griese, in what was generally understood to be a rescue attempt of his father Bob, ran onto the field and tried to fight several Patriots before he was set on fire by tight ends Kyle Brady and Ben Watson. The end of the third was marked by a bare-knuckle brawl at the fifty, which pitted back-up running back Kevin Faulk against the unwilling and shirtless Shula.
The fourth quarter saw more scoring, even with mascot Pat Patriot at quarterback. The fun began after the Patriots had their desired 100-point total. WR Randy Moss dragged the family of Dolphins RB Jim Kiick on the field, then made Kiick agree to be Moss’s horse in return for their safety.
“The only way they should put an asterisk next to us in the record books is if the asterisk stands for flexin’ nuts harder than they’ve ever been flexed,” said Moss while riding Kiick, piggyback style, into the locker room. He then forcefully tugged on the chain around Kiick’s neck, saying, “Ho! That’s far enough, Peppermint.”
The game’s signature moment came at the two minute warning when, in a gesture that was more symbolic than anything else, the entire Patriots roster came onto the field and ate an actual dolphin. At this point, few of the team remained in uniform, and several Patriots were completely naked. Belichick, bombed out of his mind, ripped his shirt off and openly made out with Brady’s girlfriend Gisele Bundchen.
“It sucked having to settle for that safety at the end, but we wanted it to be a hundred. Getting that nice round figure for a point total makes me want to go out and have four or five more bastards,” said quarterback Tom Brady, who seemed delighted that his coach was violating his girlfriend. “Truth be told, we could have had four or five hundred points ourselves, but we wanted to keep our defense on the field so they could have some fun with Mercury Morris’ daughter.”
Brady sneered, then surveyed the carnage on the field: “Sucks for whoever’s got to clean this up.”
Shula was unavailable for comment as he had been beaten into a state of mental retardation by Faulk. Mercury Morris, seen by many as the most outspoken ’72 Dolphin, had no ill words for the Patriots in defeat. “Yo, we need some help over here, [Dolphins WR Paul] Warfield’s losing a lot of blood!” screamed Morris, his arm dangling off his body. “Somebody put some pressure on the wound!”
Patriots offensive lineman Logan Mankins then walked up behind Morris, tore his arm off, and beat Morris with his own arm until Morris expired.
Throughout the sheer mayhem, the happiest man on the day was NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who requested the game be played after hearing multiple comments from Don Shula demanding an asterisk be placed next to the Patriots undefeated season in the record books. “Today the New England Patriots sent a clear message to the world: the NFL has never been better, and it has never been played at a higher level,” said Goodell, who for some reason wore a mink coat and smoked a fat Cuban cigar. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do some lines off of Pete Rozelle’s grave.”