This is an open letter to the world. We cannot afford to sit idly by and continue to let a dire situation spiral even deeper into the deep depths of despair. I’m talking about the genocide in Darfur. Something must be done. The powers of the world must act. The time for debate has passed; the time for discussion has passed. It is now time to forge ahead swiftly and with a sense of purpose. With that in mind, I would like to humbly propose my plan for ending the terror in this unfortunate region:
Send my fantasy football team to Darfur.
My fantasy football team, a group of NFL superstars known collectively as the Paper Asshats, features LaDainian Tomlison, Randy Moss, Big Ben Roethlisberger, Edgerrin James, and the Dallas Cowboys’ defense, among others. That stacked line-up tore through the Kenny Cooper is a Douche Fantasy Football League 07 this past season with laughable ease. They were able to amass 123.5 points per game this season while slaying other teams in the league known as I’m Kind of a Big Deal…People Know Me, Michael Vick’s Dog Groomers, and the seemingly unbeatable juggernaut, The New Orleans Taints. After my squad’s stellar, record-breaking season, it only stands to reason that they would be able to end one of the most horrible catastrophes in the history of mankind.
The knee-jerk reaction is to say, “Are you insane? What good will it do to send a group of NFL players to a war-torn region of Africa? These guys don’t know anything about war, or weapons, and worst of all, they don’t even play on the same team!”
That is what we call a Loser’s Attitude. The Loser does not win fantasy championships. The Loser is lucky to make the league playoffs. The Loser looks at situations and says, “This is why this can’t work.” I’m here to tell you why it can, because I am a winner. The Loser says, “Ben Roethlisberger can’t operate a machine gun.” The Winner says, “Members of the Sudanese army can’t throw sick, 40 yard bombs to Santonio Holmes.”
First of all, just imagine being in the Sudan, and seeing all these guys getting off a plane, in full football uniform and gear, pads and all. I’ll be honest with you; I think that image alone would be enough to put a stop to all the fighting. But I’ll play devil’s advocate; let’s say that just the sight of these finely-tuned athletic machines is not enough to end the skirmish. That’s when we have Big Ben jump out, fake a hand-off to LT, and throw a TD strike to Brandon Marshall at the end of the tarmac, or wherever they land the plane. The sheer beauty of the play action would be followed by such an unavoidable sense of respect and awe that it may spell the end of the war. In fact, that’s what I would call it: Operation Respect and Awe.
If that doesn’t satisfy you, just consider them on their individual merits:
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego Chargers – LT’s resume is beyond reproach. He’s the best running back in the the NFL, and could be one of the best of all time. Catches a ton of passes out of the backfield, making him a double threat as an RB. Scores in bunches. You think he’ll have a problem carrying people from one side of the country to the other? One spin move and he’s out. Bye-bye, Warlord.
Randy Moss, WR, New England Patriots – Every sportswriter in America questioned the heart of Randy Moss this past summer when he was traded to the New England Patriots. What did he go out and do? Caught 20 plus touchdowns, caught 1,400-plus yards, had over 90 catches. I knew he would do all this when I picked him in the fifth round, and he proved me right. Bottom line is the man makes sick grabs. That’s what he does. What’s that, members of the Janjaweed? You said you wonder how to say “one-handed catch” in Swahili? Well, your wait is over.
Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Pittsburgh Steelers – Roethlisberger threw, like, 45 touchdowns this year. Something like that. And he has a cannon for an arm. While most of the time he’s using that rifle to throw a football, I’m sure his rocket arm would prove effective while throwing any other number of objects, like baseballs, bricks, flaming pumpkins, a bust of Beethoven, or bullets. I don’t think anyone really understands the kind of arm strength we’re talking about here. I recently read a rumor that the Steelers have contemplated adding a play where Roethlisberger hands the ball off to Hines Ward, picks him up by the belt, and hurls him into the end zone.
Brandon Marshall, WR, Denver Broncos – After a rocky start, Marshall asserted himself as the Broncos primary scoring threat midway through the season. With Jay Cutler emerging under center as a legitimate passing threat, look for Marshall to be one of the top ten fantasy wideouts for years to come.
Ben Watson, TE, New England Patriots – Google Ben Watson and look at that mug. All we gotta do is send him over with a UFC octagon and a box cutter. Also, we’ll let him grow his beard out for about a month beforehand. A bearded Ben Watson standing in the middle of the octagon with a box cutter would make Bigfoot himself shit his pants. Forget about what it would do to a simple gun-toting West African thug.
The Dallas Cowboys, DEF – The Cowboys don’t have the league’s top defense, but they have no shortage of playmakers. Terence Newman. Chris Canty. I could go on all day. I can’t wait to see Roy Williams pull down a terrorist by the back of his neck with one of his patented horse-collar tackles. They may be illegal in the NFL, but anything goes out here in the Thunderdome. I mean, in the Sudan.
Rob Bironas, K, Tennessee Titans – Probably capable of kicking in a dude’s skull.
According to the Darfur entry on Wikipedia, some shit is going down over there. We need to take action. Now, I’m no military strategist, but I’m pretty sure that what I’ve devised would definitely work. I can’t see the Paper Asshats dominating for 16 weeks of the NFL season and then coming up limp when it comes time to end a civil war. If they were able to beat Team “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” in Week 8 by a score of 145-86, Darfur should not be a problem.