Dude, I Wouldn't Even Know How To Go About Getting a Sword

Dude, I totally agree with you. It is a solid idea, but I just don’t think it’s feasible. I’m all for self defense, and protecting my home. But I wouldn’t even know how to go about getting a sword.

I understand that there’s been a crime wave in the area recently. And I get that you’re looking out for my safety. But c’mon man – nobody uses swords anymore. I wouldn’t even know what kind of sword to get. Should I get a sleek, Samurai-looking sword? Or maybe one of those big, thick swords knights used to use back in olden times? That is a crucial choice, and I have no way of gathering enough data to formulate an educated opinion.

What am I going to do, ask a sword expert? You think there’s any sword experts still hanging around? You think I can walk into Sports Authority, and there it’ll be – past the camping equipment, across from the ping pong tables…ah, there it is…. swords. I’m sure they’ll have all kinds of swords, athletic gear you would wear using swords, as well as a tiny old Japanese man who knows all about the mythic and ancient history of the sword. And I’m sure that the 100 year old, ancient Japanese man will have a gigantic fu manchu and still wear a classic Japanese kimono even though the store uniform is a navy polo with khakis. I’m sure I’ll be able to walk up to him, have him tell me that I’m not man enough to use a sword, and that I need to walk away. Then I’m sure I’ll pick up a sword and do something semi-impressive with it, giving him a flicker of hope, causing him to say, “You swing just like him…” Then I’ll ask what he means, and he’ll break down in tears about how he used to train his son how to use a sword, but his son was killed in battle, and now he has no one to train. That’s when I’m sure I’ll plead him to train me in the ways of the sword, pledging my allegiance to him as my master, and telling him I will come back every day and never fail him. Then I’m sure that after fourteen days of me not giving up and not taking no for answer, he’ll smile wistfully and say that he’ll train me, but it will be his way or no way at all. And I’m sure that he’ll train me every day starting at 5 AM, in the Sports Authority parking lot, with my first test being to steal a sword from Sports Authority.

Yeah….’cause that’s gonna happen.

You’re just not looking at this logically. What’s that? Maybe I could buy a sword on eBay? Are you crazy? The only person creepier than a person who buys a sword on eBay is a person who SELLS a sword on eBay. Sorry, but I don’t want to show up at some Vietnam vet’s house and thank him for the sword to have him tell me, “It’s okay, I’ve got others. Well, I’ve got your email so I’ll be in touch.” Then as he closes the door, you think you might see a dead bear….until you squint a little and realize that in there are a BUNCH of dead bears.

What I’m saying is I don’t need a sword-selling, multiple bear killing, Vietnam vet introduced into my life.

Just think about this economically. Do you realize how much a sword would set me back? Right now, I’m not exactly comfortable financially. You know that. And I’m pretty sure that the only swords you can buy right now are probably really important swords. Like, “Hey, this sword was used back when Braveheart took place – how about you gimme four hundo for it?” And I doubt they have payment plans for swords. Not only can I get a low, low APR, but hey, look at how good it is for slicin’ beef!

Women will think it looks cool? Did you say that WOMEN will think it looks COOL? I don’t want to date a woman who’s impressed by weaponry. What is she going to think, that I’m going to use it to protect her? Like I’m taking it out on dates? “‘Scuse me, waiter? Would you mind throwing my sword in the coat room? Put it next to the houndstooth.” And think about this: if you were a woman, wouldn’t you start some shit just to see your man use that sword? I know I would! If I was at Ruby Tuesday’s with some guy, and he pulls out a sword over an undercooked rib eye, believe me, he’s gettin’ some.

So I like your thinking man, but I don’t think the sword is the way to go. There’s got to be a more practical weapon out there. What….so you’re saying maybe we should mug one of those guys who does Civil War reenactments for his musket? Not a bad idea….you know what…they’re doing the Battle of Antietam down at Adlai-Stevenson Park at 7:30….if we hustle, we can make it.


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