This is How You Write a Roach Warning

Last night I went to bed early in order to get up early the next day. I woke at 6:00am to find the following note from Elizabeth on our bathroom door:


I’d like to break this down line-by-line:

I sprayed the roach.
Best part of this is use of the word “the.” Makes it sound like we have a pet roach she’s murdering for some reason. No, a few nights earlier I had noticed a roach in the bathroom that I’d been unable to kill. It wasn’t just “a” roach. He was…special.

He started flapping his wings and going nuts. I got too scared and ran away. 
In fairness to her, I would have reacted the exact same way. Whatever this roach did seems like the roach version of those people at weird religious retreats who speak in tongues once they’ve been filled with the holy ghost.

Hopefully he is dead in the tub. 
The word “hopefully” here is my favorite part of this sign. “Who knows if he made it out of that? You probably will, in a second, when you open this door.”

What would’ve happened if he were still alive? Not only alive, but pissed off? I open the door to find a tough-looking roach with a crowbar in his hand. “We need to talk. I’d never hit a lady, but someone’s going to have to pay for what your girlfriend did.” I gulp. After a few minutes I just re-enter the bedroom with a black eye.

“Mike…what happened to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. By the way we pay rent to The Roach now.”

(last seen on the shower rod)
I like how she’s talking about him like a cop talking about a missing suspect. “Last known whereabouts: the shower rod. May head for the toilet as they tend to congregate near water. Less than an inch tall, weight unknown as we couldn’t get a roach to stand still on a scale. Known accomplices include….pretty much any other roach, I guess.”

BEWARE! Scary roach! 
This makes it sound like an advertisement for the world’s lamest haunted house. “Come in but beware…our house of horrors features…..A SINGLE ROOOOOACH! Isn’t that SPOOOOOOKY! Is it alive? Is it dead? Is it in that weird, half-alive, half-dead twitching phase bugs get in after you step on them? Who knows?!?! Certainly not your girlfriend, who sprayed it then left the tough part for youuuuuuuuu!”

To put a bow on this story: the roach was dead when I walked in there. RIP, brother. You fought valiently and bravely. Definitely braver than any of the humans in the apartment.

Sign up for my email list…unless you’re a roach. In which case sorry about this blog and how did you learn to use a computer? You’re a miracle.


We Just Saw A Movie – Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders


In this episode we review the new animated Batman feature film “Return of the Caped Crusaders,” the continuation of the 1960’s TV series starring Adam West and Burt Ward. It was a Fathom Event, so there were no trailers. We also talk about how weird Fathom Events are, why superhero movies are so damn depressing, and for some reason, Tyler Perry and the Madea movies.

Thanks for listening – remember to subscribe on iTunes or Podbean. Email us requests at and follow us on Twitter @wejustsawamovie.

We DID NOT Just See A Movie


It started as all our trips to the cinema do, but it ended so much differently. For the first time in the history of our humble podcast, we did NOT just see a movie. We intended to see The Girl On The Train, but a broken projector led us down a different path. We decided to do a podcast about it anyway.

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What Linda Owens Taught Me About Bossing People Around


When I was in high school (and on summer/winter breaks in college), I worked at the Marquee Cinemas in Fredericksburg, Virginia. One of my managers there was Linda Owens. She’s the one pictured above; presumably pretending to be some kind of human-cat hybrid for Halloween one year (it was the most embarrassing picture I could find).  Today she’s retiring after 35 years in the movie theater business. Fredericksburg’s local paper wrote a feature on her earlier this week commemorating her career. It was a glowing and well-deserved writeup, and while I’m glad she got some press, it inspired me to write a different kind of ode to Ms. Owens’ career. Since I spent a good portion of my high school and college years having this diminutive fireball yell orders at me like a drill instructor on meth, I’d like to pass on the lessons the woman we all referred to affectionately as “Owens” taught me about how to boss people around:

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Listen to My Guest Appearance on The Three Guys On Podcast


Last week I made a guest appearance on one of my favorite podcasts: Three Guys On with my friends and fellow comedians Andy Kline and Randolph Terrance. It was the 600th episode of their podcast, which was quite an honor. We talked about guinea pigs, Joe Paterno’s legacy, The Magnificent Seven, and aging sports announcers. I always have a fun time rapping with these cats and this time was no different. Here’s the link (you can also find them on iTunes). Highly recommend subscribing to these guys: they’re funny, but with a lot of thoughtful social commentary thrown in.

Oh and hey lest we forget: sign up for my email list. How else are you going to find out about my upcoming shows, podcasts, sketches, or other projects? Huh? Exactly, that’s what I thought.