The handshake is one of our culture’s most important customs. Executed correctly it can leave a great impression but done poorly and you’ll look weak and ineffectual. In honor of President’s Day, here’s a guide to shaking hands like the most powerful man in the free world: the President of the United States of America. This advice could be useful for anyone who wants to prove they’re a real alpha male (or alpha female):
1. Extend your hand.
2. Grab the other person’s hand hard. Hard enough so they wince with pain.
3. Pump their hand forcefully twice.
4. With all your force, yank the person close to you.
5. Give them a condescending pat on the arm to assert your dominance.
6. As they are close to you, grip their hand tighter, like Superman crushing General Zod’s hand in Superman II.
7. Whisper into their ear, “I do not want to be president.”
8. Loosen your grip and let them go back to their normal distance.
9. Smile and again whisper, “I’m serious. How can I not be president anymore?”
10. Tighten your grip and yank them back towards you.
11. Give another condescending arm pat.
12. Whisper, “Please, help me, I beg you. I did not know all this job entailed. I wanted the power without the responsbility.”
13. Pump the hand forcefully again to distract from your crying.
14. Yank the person closer to you, then push them back, then yank them back again. Prove to the assembled crowd that you are this weakling’s ultimate puppetmaster, controlling their every movement.
15. Whisper to yourself “I am a big, important man.” Say this even if you are a woman.
16. In a show of mock deference, raise the person’s arm to the air as if you are proclaiming them the winner of a wrestling match.
17. Raise your other arm and drop theirs. You now have two arms raised to the air, signifying that you are the heavyweight champion of this interaction.
18. Undo your trousers, lift your leg and pee on the other person’s leg. You have now officially won this handshake.
These steps work whether you’re interested in politics, business, or proving you have a bigger dick than someone you’re shaking hands with.
Subscribing to my newsletter is the virtual equivalent of shaking my hand. So by all means do that.