Whoever Verified the Stat that You Swallow 3-6 Spiders Per Year Was One Weird Ass Scientist

Remember when you were little, and somebody in school would repeat that weird statistic about swallowing spiders? “On average, people swallow between 3 and 6 spiders per year in their sleep.”

I don’t know if that’s true. I’m not sure if it’s an urban legend. Here’s what I do know.

If it IS true…that study was conducted by one weird ass scientist.

Think about it. First off, he had to have the idea that people swallow spiders. More than likely, he ate them himself. “I wonder how many other people swallow these things? Well I know I swallow so many, it probably averages out to about 3 to 6.”

Second, he had to conduct the study. That means waiting in people’s rooms and watching them sleep – ALL NIGHT – just to record how many spiders they swallow. “And that one makes 7. I’m hoping he gets to 10 before sunup. Moments like that are why I’m in the spider sleep swallow counting business.”

How’d he get funding for this? Was there an eccentric billionaire who needed his belief validated. “Doc, I never eat before bed and wake up full every night. I’m thinking it’s gotta be spiders. That’s what I need you to find out.”

I’d feel worse for his assistant. I’d love to hear how that interview went. “Not really worried about any other papers you’ve written. Basically I need to know are you good at A) counting and B) identifying a spider if you saw one.” Then he holds up a picture of a tarantula. “Tell me what this is and count to 30 if you don’t mind. Do both of those and you’ve pretty much got this.”

Speaking of counting spiders, I have a pretty unhealthy fear of spiders. Sign up for my email list to find out more.


How Many Different Ways of Attracting Cardinals Can There Be?

Saw this magazine cover. A couple questions:

  • 39 is way too high a number for this activity. How many possible things can you do to attract cardinals? I could see having 10 or 11….but 39? By 27 you’ll be saying, “Create a sexy mannequin of a girl cardinal, with a blonde wig and a bow on her head”?
  • Who’s that obsessed with birdwatching and cardinals in general that they’re looking for strategies on how to get more in their yard? “It’s not enough to see a cardinal every once in awhile…I need to actively get them here.” Forget looking at the Arizona football teams uniforms, I need the real thing to satiate my cardinal-watching needs.
  • “Attract” is a troubling verb to use here. What’s one of the tips, “Wear that type of cologne lady cardinals like.”
  • Someone’s relieved to see this cover. What else did they do to get cardinals in the yard before this? Were they going to cardinal pickup artist training seminars? “Today we’re going to focus on bird negging. Basically give them backhanded compliments about their feathers. They’ll be eating out of your hand! Only if you have seed in it, though.
  • Didn’t read the byline on this, but really hoping it’s, “Written by a lonely cardinal.”
  • The cardinal in the picture looks way too cocky, like he or she is going to play hard to get for sure. “You’re going to use all 39 ways to win me over, baby.”

The Condescending Pricks at Bumblebee Tuna Don’t Even Trust You to Have Your Own Silverware

Today I picked up a few packets of tuna at the grocery store. Why, you ask? 14 grams of protein, only 60 calories baby. Your boy is trying to eat healthier. Plus they found a way to make one of the world’s most convenient foods (a can of tuna) even more convenient. As a tuna fan, I’ve got to reward ingenuity like that. My can opener holds no real sentimental value to me, so using it less isn’t a giant loss.

I do have a problem with this, though, and it has nothing to do with the packet. It’s the fact that the packet comes with a tiny, plastic spoon.

Here is a numbered list of my issues with the good people at Bumblebee Tuna regarding said spoon:

1. What, you think I can’t afford my own spoon? I’ve got a DRAWER full of spoons, Chico. Years’ worth of spoons. Spoons I bought, spoons I stole from my Mom’s kitchen, I think one of them I even stole from my college dining hall. I’m not a man who lacks resourcefulness when it comes to acquiring spoons.

It almost made me want to go out, steal many spoons from a variety of establishments, and email a picture to packetdivision@bumbleebeetuna.com. Just to show ’em I don’t need ’em.

2. Who eats tuna with a spoon? Not once in my life have I used a spoon to consume tuna. It’s a fork food. Save your spoons for your Bumblebee Cereal, or Bumblebee Soup.

3. This isn’t really an issue with your spoon inclusion, but what’s up with that mascot? Based on the available information, I’m guessing it’s a bee chef/tuna boat captain. How the hell is a bee going to master both those trades? I can accept one, but not the other. No bee is working hard to get out of the hive, become a chef…only to go get on some fishing boat after all that. You know how pissed his parents would be? “Do you realize how much we paid for culinary school? You not making honey cost us literally THOUSANDS of dollars. Whatever. Enjoy being on the bee version of Deadliest Catch. I have no son.”

4. Coming back to the mascot, why doesn’t it look like a bee? It’s too cute and it only has two eyes. It looks more like if Mickey Mouse got caught in that machine from The Fly, only this time a bee was in it with him. Now you have this weird cartoon mouse/bee hybrid, angering God.

5. Last thing: why does the mascot look like he’s really pushing the spoon hard? Like he knows it’s a mistake? You get the feeling Bumblebee Tuna made a bad financing deal with a plastic spoon company, now this is their way of getting out of it. Next up they’re going to have cans of pink salmon that all come with a spork.

Work on your mascot and cutlery game, Bumbleebee Tuna. Until then, I’ll be getting all my vacuum pouched fish from Starkist.

For more packeted meat analysis, sign up for my email list.

The History of Wiretapping, Through the Years


Wiretapping was in the news in a big way this weekend, but how much do we really know about the practice? Here’s a look back on how it’s developed over the years: 

1664: British physicist develops the tin can telephone, communicating sound through a string (which is kind of like a wire). Upon making the discovery, Hooke turned to his assistant and said, “I wonder if one day the FBI will use this to figure out if MLK had an affair?”

1892: U.S. law enforcement adopts wiretapping as a tool for getting information. It’s a huge development in particular for Chicago detective Billy Peterson, who has an affinity for both spying on people, wires, and compulsively tapping his fingers.

1918: Anthropomorphic, human-sized wire known as Wire “Tappy” Tap becomes a huge silent star in Hollywood, starring in several silent movies where he tap dances. His hits include “Did You Miss Me Wire I Was Away (1918), Bird on a Wire (Tap) (1920), and How Is This Possible? How Have I, A Simple Wire, Somehow Achieved Not Just Life, But Also Sentience? Must Have Been That Time I Was Struck by Lightning, Like Johnny 5 in Short Circuit (1923).

1928: The U.S. Supreme Court deems wiretapping constitutional, mainly to aid in enforcing Prohibition. If they’d known this would eventually lead to Boardwalk Empire’s disastrous fifth and final season, they may have reconsidered.

1963: Attorney General Bobby Kennedy gives the FBI the go ahead to wiretap Martin Luther King Jr.’s phones at his home and work office. The most shocking discovery? Guy had an unhealthy hatred of carrots. Didn’t just hate the taste, but would get viscerally angry if anyone else brought ’em around.

1968: Richard Nixon approves the wiretapping of several journalists and 13 government officials. This was so flagrantly illegal and immoral it really drives home how Watergate was the, “You Can’t Top That!”/”Hold my beer” of political scandals.

2001-2007: It’s reported the NSA has participated in “warrantless surveillance” of the American people. Prior to this, everyone just assumed Warrantless Surveillance was probably the name of one of those Steven Seagal movies from the 80’s where he’s an ex-Navy SEAL turned chef, or teacher, or something.

2013: It’s revealed that the NSA has wiretapped the phone of German chancellor Angela Merkel since 2010. The NSA apologizes, saying that at the time they went on a real “anti-German” kick having just watched Inglorious Basterds.

2017: In a tweet, the current president accuses the last one of tapping his phones. Rumor has it President Obama did it not for political reasons, but to study Trump’s voice to perfect his Trump impression. Right now it’s just him saying, “YUGE” and “BUH-LIEVE ME” over and over.

While you’re here: sign up for my email list. I swear I won’t tap your phone. 

Exit Signs Should Be Any Other Color Than Red

Why are exit signs bright red? Can’t you go with something a little more soothing? Something that says, “There’s a fire but no need to be a tight ass about it. Mosey on out near this real sign.”

Why pick something the same color as what you’re trying to get away from? “Hey you know that fire? File the color of that away when you’re looking for an out. Keep that in mind and look for words that look similar. Forget anything peaceful. Let the fiery relief of the red exit consume you.”

I thought about this at the movies a few months ago. Green, blue, anything else. Plus what if we don’t make it out? I know I for one would love to see a lovely pastel before succumbing to an inferno. I’d rather not think of more fire and think, “Huh. That light purple looks like an Easter egg I painted when I was a kid.”

I’ve been trying to blog every day for 2017 and I gotta tell you I think I may be finally out of ideas.

All the Perfectly Logical Reasons Why You’d Rob a Preschool

Read about two guys in my neighborhood who tried to rob a preschool. Predictably, they were unsuccessful. I’ve tried to come up with why they did it, and here are some possible explanations: They really wanted milk, cookies, and the petty cash of poorly paid preschool teachers.

* They’re master bank robbers who have robbed everything else you can possibly rob and they’re looking for a new challenge. “Steve, we’ve done banks, armored trucks, convenience stores….hear me out: preschools.”

“Do they even have safes?”

“Only one way to find out, brother.”

* One of them has a kid there, and due to a nasty custody battle this is the only way he can see him. Like Mrs. Doubtfire, but replacing a man dressing up like an old woman for robbing a store.

* They wanted to teach the kids there a valuable lesson about pursuing criminal enterprises. Nothing hammers home the point that crime doesn’t pay like awkwardly asking an art teacher for her pocket change while waiting on a bunch of cops to inevitably bust you.

* They want to be preschool teachers and they went to the school as a way to break I but robbing stuff is all they know. The second they got in there, they reverted to the life of crime.

* They thought they were in a bank. “Hey man….do you remember Bank of America having finger paintings on the wall?”

* They felt like the cops in the area had worked hard lately and needed a much easier crime to bust. And really, what’s easier than walking into a preschool and nabbing the two criminals? “I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it’s the two men in here taller than 3 feet.”

* Finally: it was a bit of viral marketing to promote their one act play about two guys who knock over a preschool-themed bank. No better way to show people how entertaining a preschool robbery would be than by actually doing it. After they realizzed it actually wasn’t that entertaining, they probably had a good laugh in jail about how they should cancel their show.

We Just Saw A Movie: Before I Fall


On our latest episode of We Just Saw A Movie we review Before I Fall, which is basically Groundhog Day meets Mean Girls (minus the laughs of both). We also talk about the trailer for The Promise and debate over whether or not using the Groundhog Day template makes for a compelling movie.