CNN Releases Lester Holt’s Questions for Tonight’s Presidential Debate


In a stunning, unprecedented move, CNN has released the questions moderator Lester Holt will ask the candidates in tonight’s first 2016 presidential debate. Here they are, verbatim:

* There have been controversies surrounding both your charities, the Trump Foundation and the Clinton Foundation. My question: why didn’t you think up more original charity names?

* Which one of you would win in a physical fight? If you say yourself, prove it right here on this stage. (Secretary Clinton may choose Bill to fight in her place, but she must then catfight Melania)

* While I have a lot of self-confidence in spite of it, we can all agree “Lester” is a creepy sounding name because it automatically conjures thoughts of the word “molester.” What specific legislation would you two enact to prevent people from naming future children Lester?

* Secretary Clinton: emails or pneumonia?

* Mr. Trump, your doctor is fucking weird looking. Why trust your health with someone who looks like a Fred Armisen character?

*If you two had a baby, what do you think it would look like? Pretty weird, right?

* How ’bout this weather we’re having?

* Mr. Trump, how would you explain yourself to an alien visiting our planet? Would be damn near impossible, wouldn’t it? I mean what are you, really? You were on TV but only because you were a businessman, but you’re not that good of a businessman. Anyway, food for thought. Your brand is confounding.

* Would you two read a blog post with the title “10 Times Hillary and Trump Were Like the Sam and Diane of Politics?” Because it’s currently available on my blog,

* Secretary Clinton: do you realize that everyone saying, “Hillary campaigning with pneumonia is badass!” was the equivalent of saying, “My only weakness is I work too hard” in a job interview?

* Mr. Trump, you’ve claimed climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. Are you sure it’s them and not Lex Luthor?

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The Definitive List of QBs the Patriots Could Still Win With is Staggering

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Tom Brady was suspended and the Patriots won. Jimmy Garappolo was injured and the Patriots won. Now Jacoby Bissett is hurt and the Patriots will probably still win. Based on my advanced statistical calculations, here’s a definitive list of who the Patriots could put at QB and still win with:

  • All current NFL QBs
  • All former NFL QBs who are living
  • Some former NFL QBs who are dead
  • Tom Brady throwing left handed
  • A Tom Brady fathead
  • The one-armed guy 127 hours was based on after being told he can’t use the arm he still has
  • The singer Seal
  • An actual Seal
  • Any animal with higher than average intelligence (dolphins, chimpanzees, elephants)
  • Bill Belichick
  • Noted actor, Broadway star and non-athlete Nathan Lane
  • Manti Teo’s non-existent girlfriend
  • Fictional QB Shane Falco from the movie The Replacements. Not Keanu Reeves playing Shane Falco. Literally  they’d bring a TV playing the movie onto the field and put it under center
  • You, if you got your shit together and applied yourself

That last one stung didn’t it? For more on how you can play QB for the Patriots next week, subscribe to my email list.

You Should Feel Bad for Meter Maids

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No one makes you feel contempt quite like a meter maid, do they? I saw one the other day and my blood started to boil instantaneously (and I don’t even have a car). The more I think about it though, the more I feel sorry for pitiable creatures. You should too. Consider:

  • Here’s the list of world’s sexiest types of maids, ranked in order: 1) French, 2) Pretty much any other type of maid….1,000) meter. No wife is role-playing as a meter maid to help spice up her and her husband’s sex life. The uniforms aren’t sexy and the role-play would just devolve into her shrugging while she says, “The sign clearly says two hour parking. You’re welcome to appeal.” Nobody’s gotten off getting a ticket.
  • No one’s EVER happy to see one. In fact one of the greatest dilemmas of my life was seeing a meter maid giving a ticket to a Time Warner Cable van. Had no idea who to root for.
  • Their official title according to Wikipedia is “parking enforcement officer” which was clearly made up by a meter maid trying to feel more tough. I can just picture a skinny guy struggling to bench press just the bar at the gym before he gives up and says, “Whatever, I’ll just go derive my manhood from enforcing arbitrary parking laws” as he downs a pound of unwatered whey protein.
  • “Meter maid” is meant to be derisive, but I’m not exactly sure why. It doesn’t describe what they do. They don’t clean meters. Are you saying any crappy job title should include the word maid? That’s not an insult to parking enforcement officers, it’s an insult to actual maids.
  • Finally, those stupid uniforms. They’re dressed like fake cops even though they’re nothing even close to a cop. Now if there’s ever a crime committed or any kind of disturbance, everyone’s going to look at them. “Officer help! He’s got my purse!” “What? Oh no, I’m a meter maid.” “Well do SOMETHING, you have a uniform on!” “Uh, I can try to hit him with my notepad ah shit he’s gone.”

Next time you think about cursing and spitting on a metet maid, remember they have a journey too. Maybe just curse on them and don’t spit.

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We Just Saw A Movie: When The Bough Breaks


On this episode we did our first Facebook live simulcast to review When the Bough Breaks, the thriller without thrills. We talk a little bit about Morris Chestnutt and also how we’ve never seen a film with the word “bough” in the title. Plus we talk trailers for the latest Underworld movie (apparently titled “Underworld: Kate Beckinsale”), Kong: Skull Island, Hidden Figures, and Almost Christmas.

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